I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
