I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
