I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
