so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
