We're facebook friends in real life
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
