I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
