the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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