I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize