I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
