i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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