i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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