I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
