i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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