bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
