3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
