He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
