i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
