My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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