we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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