he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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