I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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