I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
