this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
