found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
