i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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