Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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