: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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