Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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