i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
