He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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