My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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