God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
