Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
