I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
