If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize