I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
