were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
