OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
