i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
