I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
