Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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