the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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