haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
