what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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