I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
