dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
