"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
