Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
