Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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