the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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