Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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