My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
