I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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