Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
