Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
