how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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