I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
