I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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