I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
