my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
