You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think I won the penis lottery.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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