I'm going to jail i love you
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
